I had to write 5 how-to's for my english class. I like them so I'm posting them. It's a lot of writing but they're funny. Enjoy

1. How to be in Flavor of Love

Admit it. You’ve always had a “thing” for rap artist Flavor Flav. With those looks, questionable talent, and moderate success, who wouldn’t want a piece of that? Follow these 5 easy-to-follow steps to win his wavering love.
Have no shame. Don’t let your fear of embarrassing yourself or your family get in the way. Your goal is to win Flav’s heart. How are you going to do that if you are worried about what other people think? The moment you start to worry about how you look will be your downfall.
Don’t be afraid to show some skin. Actually, be afraid to wear clothing. If you don’t show Flavor Flav your goods, how is he going to know what’s underneath all that clothing. After all, nothing shows the good qualities of a person more than how they look naked.
Be loud and obnoxious. Flav wants a girl who can get his attention, and the attention of everyone else in the room. There’s 20 other girls fighting for his affection, make sure you’re the loudest. Forget that docile woman tone, your voice should be loud, offensive, and annoying.
Be as confrontational as possible. Flavor Flav wants a woman who will fight for her man, and fight, and fight, and fight. Pick someone and start an argument. It really doesn’t matter what it is about. What does matter is that you work her into frothing mess. Make sure you do this with almost everyone you come into contact with. You’ll be hated and stick out like a sore thumb, but Flavor Flav will see your devotion and hold you closer.
Have low standards. Better yet, have no standards. Flavor Flav is a loud, belligerent, womanizing man without a steady job. He has had seven children with several different women. His intimate involvements has never ended in marriage. Although a certain amount of fame still clings to the 5 foot 7 inch man, with all that child support he is paying it is abundantly clear he wont be spending his money on you.

2. How to join the piercing subculture

So you wanna be cool. There’s no easier way of making a statement about being unique than by getting a piercing. Here are 5 key steps to make your way into the piercing subculture.
Get a piercing. Sorry, single lobe piercings and nostril piercings don’t count. 12 year olds can get their ears pierced at the mall and nostril piercings are as common as bread and butter. If you really want to make a statement you need to get something that screams, “Look at me! Look at me!” Your best bet is to get a facial piercing. Eyebrow and off-center lip piercings are steadily becoming more acceptable but still bring attention to the wearer.
Stretch an existing hole. Don’t want to go under the needle again? Just stretch your single lobe hole. To get the full impact, you must stretch it to an obscene size. It isn’t good enough until you can put your pinky through it. Once you’ve reached that stage, keep going. Aim for your lobe to be so stretched that it looks like it will snap, then people will know how hard you worked.
Become a pin cushion. Get as many piercings as you possible can. Don’t stop at one ear piercing, get your whole ear covered with shiny silver hoops. Get your septum, nostrils and bridge pierced. If you get your tongue pierced, get 2, or 3. When you jingle when you walk, that’s when you know you’re doing it right.
Do it yourself (if you really want to be cool). Nothing says how cool you are than an amazing story of trial and error. Pick the piercing that has the most dire consequences if it’s done wrong, then do it all by yourself. Use a safety pin and no alcohol. Do it in a public place without washing your hands. When it gets infected, refuse to go to the doctor or take out the jewelry.
Take it up a notch. Are normal piercings not getting the reactions you want? Need something a little more extreme? Try tongue splitting or ear cages. Those are sure to set some tongues wagging. To split your tongue, you have two choices: either stretch your tongue piercing until it is easy to split the tip open or you can just have it professionally scalpelled. Ear cages are bent and twisted barbells that go through several holes throughout the ear. These extreme body modifications will surely grab the attention and admiration of those around you.

3.How to work at Pottery Barn

Dress to impress. The dress code is “business casual” with colors in brown, black, navy blue, khaki, and white. Remember, no white bottoms, such as pants or skirts. Dress shoes are required even though the floors are concrete and you are sure to go home with a back ache. Stock workers are to wear jeans and a black Pottery Barn t-shirt. How are costumers going to recognize you unless your clothing announces your professionalism.
Care about the products. Know the difference between stoneware and porcelain; between jute and wool; between espresso finish and mahogany finish. Make sure you go home and study, this knowledge is important. Customers are going to ask you and you need to be prepared.
Customers are key. Yes, they can be difficult. No, they won’t be understanding. You need to make sure every customer leaves happier than when they walked in. Since research proves that purchasing influences happiness, that means every customer must leave with a bag. Answer inane repetitive questions. Do everything short of giving away your first born child. After all, without them how are you going to get paid?
Bridal registries are your friend. Nothing is easier than a bridal sale. A printed registry list gives costumers a plan of attack and all you have to do is point them in the right direction. Beware the anti-registry bridal shopper. They will refuse to buy anything off the pre-approved list because nothing suits their personal taste. Never mind the fact that the present is not for them. Since they are buying it, it is immensely important they like it.
Up the sales. If a customer comes in looking for a table, sell them the matching chairs and the displayed dinnerware set. If they want a rug, sell them the couch it sits on. Pay no mind to their protests. They wouldn’t have come in if they didn’t want to buy it. Your worst enemy is the customer who spends three hours in the store and walks out empty handed. It’s your job to not let that happen.

4. How to cut your hair into a Mohawk

Buy hair clippers. At 2:30 in the morning, decide unexpectedly that you would like to cut your waist length hair. Talk your boyfriend into driving across the San Fernando Valley to a 24-hour Wallgreens. When there spend 20 minutes trying to decided between hair clipper A, that comes with 17 attachments and a comb, and hair clipper B, that comes with 18 attachments, a comb, and scissors. Choose B and make your way home.
Postpone the hair cutting to do more “research.” Once in your boyfriend’s bathroom with everything ready to go, decide to stop and think. Talk it over with your boyfriend and decide to try tomorrow after looking for hairstyles. Spend the rest of the night looking at pictures of Pink and Shannyn Sossamon.
Begin crying when you have reached the point of no return. Have your boyfriend begin trimming your hair. Let the panic rise as you see tendril after tendril of hair fall to the floor. When your hair has reached a critical point, right after your boyfriend cuts a noticeable and strange spot on your head, cry. Stress out and panic. Breaking down into a blubbering mess.
Call your sister-n-law, who is a hairstylist. Wake up at 8:30 in the morning, a time you haven’t seen in years, and call your sister-n-law. Ask her to fix your hair and set up an appointment at your house for later in the day. Wear a hood for the rest of day.
Ask for one thing and receive another. At your appointment, which your sister-n-law is late for, ask for a faux-hawk. Talk about it extensively with her before she begins her work. As she snips away talk about what little you have in common, like the weather or her experiences with cutting hair. Be mildly surprised but don’t say anything when she begins to use the hair clippers on your head. When she is done, look in the mirror with horror as you see yourself with a Mohawk, not a faux-hawk. Hear her exclaim, before you say anything, that she forgot and is sorry. Laugh it off and go cry in your bedroom.

5. How to kill a vampire
Find a vampire. Go to your nearest cemetery right around dusk. Pay attention to fresh graves or graves that look disturbed. About an hour after the sun goes down, you should encounter a vampire digging itself out of it’s grave. Stay clear until you are ready to attack.
Stake it. When the vampire is standing within a few feet of you, stab at it with a wooden stake. You want a stake made from ash or oak, because not all woods are good as killing the servants of the devil, and make sure you are facing the pointy side towards the vampire. The goal is to drive the stake through the vampire and into a solid object behind it, such as the ground or a wall. The stake does not kill the vampire, it only damages it and pins it to the solid object. Exercise extreme caution when dealing with an injured vampire as they are more aggressive and they still have moveable hands and legs.
Chop it. With the vampire pinned down, take an axe or sword and chop the f**ker’s head off. Separate the head completely from the body. While the vampire may seem dead at this point, it is not. If the head is allowed to reattach to the body, the vampire will rise again. Keep this from happening by raising the head before you for all to see. Careful, don’t drop it.
Burn it. Once you have decapitated the vampire, create a bon fire. Make it as big and hot as possible. Once it is good and going, throw the vampire’s body in followed by the head. Watch it burn and if you wish, toast a few marshmellows. Wait until the fire is completely burned down to ashes before calling it a night.
Spread it. After the fire is over and all that is left is ashes, there is only one more thing to do. Scoop up all the ashes and find yourself a fast flowing body of water. Once you have reached a prime location, toss the ashes into the water. Let nature’s wrath destroy the last of that demon and keep it from becoming reanimated. Go home and enjoy a nice glass of red wine before starting your search all over.